It’s the eve of October 1st. Any other year, and this date would have no significance, but tonight, it means everything. How can it be six months since I last saw my darling, my strength, my husband. Our last conversation still runs rampant through my mind every moment of every day. Only six short (but long) months ago. I went to bed fully expecting my good morning kiss in 8 short hours later, only to never get one again. What does it mean to be the “last conversation” though – I still feel like there should be so many more we were supposed to have.
Even now, with every stroke of my finger hitting the keyboard, my heartache is stronger as the realization sinks in that this is my new reality. And my mind races with the thoughts of tomorrows we will never get to have. I don’t want tomorrow to come. I don’t want it to be 6 months. Half a year. 26 weeks. 183 days. 4,392 hours. 263,520 minutes. 15,811,200 seconds.
Every one of those minutes has felt like an eternity – an eternity I didn’t ask for. A nightmare that never ends. So many of these seconds have been taken breath by breath. I have watched the clock tick away as I stared into space, not sure what to do with myself, unsure of how to go on.
And yet here I am. Six months later. Still here. Still surviving. Still enduring. One breath, one moment, one day at a time.
Jennifer Trapuzzano
Michelle
September 30, 2014 10:50 pmMy heart breaks for you but you Can do this:) I promise ♡♡ Lots of love for you and sweet Cecilia♡♡♡
Tracy Bua Smith
September 30, 2014 10:54 pmJennifer,
We have never met, but our family continues to pray for you from NC! I still remember when you put the message on the Catholic Homeschool Moms Facebook group page about the horror that changed your world forever. We started to pray for you then when life must have been a blur and maybe still is for you in so many ways. This post is heart wrenching and so honest. I just can’t imagine all that you go through each day. Be assured of our family’s prayers in hopes that it will allow one more breath and step to be a little lighter and easier than the last. I hope documenting your journey will bring much peace, comfort and the assurance that many continue to pray for you and your sweet baby! God bless you!
wifeytini
September 30, 2014 10:57 pmKeep enduring, sweetheart. We will be holding you in our prayers. One book that helped me with grief was John Ramsey’s book “The Other Side of Suffering”. It helped me immensely, maybe give it a try? XO
Wendy W.
October 1, 2014 12:14 amThinking of you and your sweet girl.
dvora072096
October 1, 2014 1:22 amDuring the last months of St. Thérèse’s life, her sisters faithfully sat by her bedside through her long protracted illness and agony, taking notes of her words. Her “last conversations,” therefore, are preserved for posterity. Here’s one of my favorite excerpts:
“I’m suffering only for an instant. It’s because we think of the past and the future that we become discouraged and fall into despair.”
You can read more of the Little Flower’s “Last Conversations” at EWTN. May she send you a shower of roses for her feast day October 1.
https://www.ewtn.com/therese/readings/readng9.htm
Brenda
October 1, 2014 1:31 amJennifer every time I see a post from you my heart still aches for you. Even tho I don’t know you personally I think of you often because your life has touched so many people by the tragedy that you, Nathan and both your families have endured due to such a senseless crime. Nathan walked by my house every day and I always wondered who he was and what his story was. He always seemed to be on a mission, hurrying on his way, a wave here and there , never seen him stop and talk to anyone and now I feel like hearing of your love for one another, seeing all the beautiful pictures of you two and then hearing that you two were expecting your baby girl I realized with every step he took on his brisk walks was bringing him back home to you. I hope in time things will become easier for you
Sarah
October 1, 2014 8:42 amI am so very sorry that your life has taken this turn. I don’t know what to say other than to let you know my heart aches for you.
jmjtotustuus
October 1, 2014 9:27 amwith love and prayers….
Chella
October 3, 2014 11:40 pmReading with prayers.
Nancy Hess
October 10, 2014 11:56 amYour drive to get out of bed and live your live as well as you can is truly an inspiration. I guess we never know what we will do if we were in a similar situation but I see myself laying in bed and never wanting to get out. Your an amazing woman.
Landen Raab
October 27, 2014 8:02 amMy heart hurts for you just reading this. I cannot even come close to imagining what you are feeling. I wish I had great words of comfort for you, but I find myself dumbfounded. What I can say is trust in God and his love and he will help you through this.