As I sit here putting these words onto my screen, a comforting excitement is coursing through me. It has been far too long since I have last written. In delaying my return, I had forgotten how much joy and peace writing had once given me. I had always intended to return, and am quite honestly shocked that this has taken so long. Time has skittered by far too quickly.

In the past few years, I have often remarked to my friends and family that I intended to write again. For anyone who listened, I passionately have spoken about pursuing this calling. However, no matter how much I genuinely wanted to return, something has held me back. I could blame it on a number of things, and I often have tried. I could say that I wanted to focus on being a new wife and mother. I could say that maintaining a peaceful home and being a reliable friend was more important. I could say that I wanted to put my time and energy into my job as a PA or pursuing other creative outlets. However, no matter how I tried to excuse it, deep down I couldn’t fool myself. This was a passion that nothing else could replace, a calling in my core since childhood.

Over the past few months, I have contemplated the true reason that has delayed me from doing something I so clearly enjoy. The resounding answer that I get whenever I ask this question is: fear. Specifically, fear of criticism and fear of failure.

This blog, in the earliest days, started out as a personal space for me to reflect on my time spent in Haiti on a college mission trip. My blog title “A Love So Strong” came from lyrics to the song “We are the World” by Artists for Haiti. This was a song we played often throughout our planning and the trip itself.

When Nate and I were married I had every intention to restart the blog as a family lifestyle space. Writing has always been a passion of mine and I had hoped to continue pursuing it. However between being newly married, settling into our home, having a full time Masters course load, and being pregnant, my dream of writing was put on hold.

After Nate died, writing through my grief just made sense. Writing helped me see that even my pain could be utilized for a greater purpose. By serving God even in my deepest suffering, I could show that His Love far outweighs the pain of this world and only in His arms can we find true comfort. My call to be a Christian wasn’t diminished in my pain; in fact it was strengthened.

Writing after Nate died was easy. It was an anchor that kept me steady in the greatest turmoil and unknown I had ever faced. Having the chance to process my thoughts and journey was in the simplest terms, a gift. It was one I freely shared and was grateful for the opportunity.

However by putting my life out there, I was also awarded certain criticisms. I have had countless “hate messages” sent my way criticizing everything from how I look, to how I handled my grief, to how I found love again, to threats on our family. It was enough to scare me into submission. To a “people-pleaser” like myself, I felt that if I couldn’t please everyone, if I would be criticized for my work, then perhaps it would be better to no longer write at all.

How wrong I was, and what a poor attitude I allowed myself to have! Even in the past 2 years, without writing any new material, I still so often get messages of hope from those who found my little site and felt that it inspired them one way or another. How unfortunate that instead of focusing on this, I hid behind the curtain of doubt created by the scorn of a select few.

Today starts a new journey. Today I rise up and will no longer listen to the fear that has encapsulated me for so long. In the words of St. Joan of Arc, “I am not afraid, I was born to do this”.

Thank you all for being on this journey with me. I look forward to sharing more and restarting this adventure with you.

~ Jennifer