I miss you so much. Do you know it’s been 404 days since I last saw you last? It feels like forever. Remember how we used to count down the days until we’d see each other again? How every day forward brought us another day closer? Now I just feel so far away from you. I miss you like crazy. I know you are probably closer than ever, reading over my shoulder and just saying “If you only could see how close I really am”. But I can’t see you, and I can no longer count down the days until I see you again, because only God knows that. I just wish you were here.
You would be so proud of our baby girl. She is growing up so quickly and has the best personality already. She constantly is making me laugh. She has so many of your quirks too! She loves to walk on her toes like you, bite her hand, not to mention her stubbornness! You must be outraged though to learn that she hates bananas, which were your favorite food. I can see you now, laughing that big boisterous laugh, about how your flesh and blood refuses to eat something so “wholesome and delicious” as a banana.
I think our little girl sees you sometimes. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t jealous. But I am also so very happy, I want you to spend time with her, I want her to know you, to see you. We talk about you all the time, she can point you out in a picture now. She calls out “Da Da” at such random times, sometimes looking off into space or whenever we walk into church. Please watch over her, I worry so much about her when I’m not near.
This week marks so many memories, emotions, anniversaries.
2 years ago this week we were in the final moments of the greatest countdown of our lives – the countdown to our wedding day. I can’t believe its only been 2 years this coming Monday, May 11th. It feels like a lifetime ago. I miss you so much, I wish you were here to celebrate with me, to cheers ourselves for making it 2 years, and to toast to many more to come. My heart aches just thinking about the time, memories, and children we lost out on.
2 years ago this week I began graduate school to become a Physician Assistant. I was Jennifer Swihart for 5 whole days of class before we were wed. Since I have been in school, I have gone from engaged, to married, to pregnant, to widowed, to a mother. It is so difficult to fathom how many changes my life has undergone in a program that was supposed to be a short stent in our lifetime together. Tomorrow is my commencement ceremony with my class (even though I don’t get done until November). And it will be incredibly bittersweet. I just wish you could be there. It doesn’t help that tomorrow is also Mother’s day. I know you would have spoiled me rotten, you were always so good at that. I never thanked you often enough. So thank you my darling, for being a true man of God and always choosing to love me, each and every day. Pray for me tomorrow, that I make it through the day.
All my love,
PS Every shooting star, every candle blown out, every eyelash caught, every 11:11, every coin thrown in a wishing well, every time dandelion seeds are blown, you are my wish. Every time.