“Bah Humbug.”

That’s what I wish I could respond with at least, whenever I get wished a “Merry Christmas”. I don’t have it in me though. I suppose I am too nice, but it just doesn’t seem right to take my pain out on others.

I haven’t been writing much lately. To be honest, I’ve been struggling these past few weeks. I want to write, but I am too exhausted emotionally, physically, mentally, etc.. to even put my thoughts onto the screen. Thankfully a dear friend reminded me this week how healing this blog can be for me, so I have returned! Hopefully for a while. Tonight’s post is a little hectic, but then again, that’s the epitome of life lately.

Some recent recurring thoughts:

I am struggling.

I feel like I am clinging to a thread, just holding on.

I think I am going crazy most days.

I hate that the holidays are here. I just want to curl up in a ball and wish them away.

I’m petrified for 2015 to be here. 2014 still holds a part of Nate, in 2015 he no longer exists…not in this world at least.

At least once per day, but more often twice or more, I replay the morning of April 1st in my mind, because I still can’t quite convince my brain that Nate really is gone. I wake up and think this is all fake, or still a dream. And naturally my mind has to go through the tedious, painful process of the chain of events that have brought me to this day. And it sucks. And it hurts. And I hate it with all of my being.

I can still feel him, hear him, smell him like it was yesterday, or even today. I hear his boisterous laugh, feel his gentle kisses, can taste the mint on his lips from the gum he always was chewing. No matter how hard I try, I still can’t wrap my mind around the fact that he really is gone.

Now that the holidays are here, these mind games seem to be on repeat constantly. I can’t go half a day without having to re-convince myself that my husband really is gone. I often feel like there is a toddler in my brain throwing a tantrum, kicking and screaming and throwing myself down onto the ground, unable to understand why I can’t get what I really want – the one thing that will make me happy. How often I wish I could behave like this toddler too! I build up so much inside it often feels like a tornado of thoughts, emotions, memories, that I can’t keep anything straight and my focus is shot.

In the last 2 weeks I have started clinicals and while I am trying my best, I know I am distracted. I know that my heart isn’t it as it once was. Every time a father comes in with his child, my heart weeps a little, sad that Cecilia will never have that strong hand to hold when she is sick or needs a shot. I could really use one of his strong hugs right now myself.

Baby, all I want for Christmas is you <3

Jennifer Trapuzzano