I have learned that being a mother comes with so many blessings. One of which is just the simple fact of getting to watch new life grow from a tiny infant babe into a giggling, crawling, little girl. I get to see my daughter take in the world around her, laugh at new sounds, stare at strange things, and explore everything she comes in contact with. It is truly amazing to watch her, and so often I find myself doing just that.
Ever since April 1st I have found myself in a routined haze each day. I would like to say that with the close reality of life’s frailty I have set out to do extraordinary things. However, I have to say my biggest accomplishment has been to simply just get out of bed each morning and take on the day, just one day at a time. I feel so tired and heavy and wonder how it is that I am only 25 – because I feel like I am 65. So much life has been lived this past year and yet so much has remained stagnate.
And somewhere along the way, I found a new normal. However this new normal isn’t one of great aspirations, like I said before, often I still simply struggle to get out of bed each day. No this new normal was made by necessity, not desire. It has become a “waiting room”, a room filled with basic needs and comfort so that I can just sit here and go about each day without worry. Because this waiting room has been created to match my needs, to be a place where I can feel safe without fear or anxiety of the future, to stay where it is familiar.
And yet, as I entered 2015, I knew that I could not stay here forever – that this was not where I belonged. Am I still anxious about the future? Absolutely. Do I still wake up scared to death at night that something terrible is going to happen tomorrow? Most certainly. Am I realizing, however, that this is no way to live? Undoubtedly yes.
So with these thoughts, these first few weeks of the new year I have taken my own daughter’s “advice” and began to look at the world in a new way. To explore every possibility and see things in a way I have never seen them before. I am finding the wonder of every sound, every sight, every motion and doing my best to take it all in, to breathe deeply, and to know that there is a new life out there for me, I simply have to be ready to find it.
Today, I took the first baby step to a new me. A step toward MY new normal – the one I get to create for myself, not the one that was created for me by someone else’s hand. This morning, I got myself out of bed earlier than my usual wake up time and exercised. While this may seem like a small accomplishment to many of you, to me, it was almost more like a giant leap. I have not exercised in so long, and honestly I was dreading it last night before I even fell asleep. But I told myself I had to do it, no matter what. And I cannot express to you how proud I am of myself for making it a reality.
Jennifer Trapuzzano
Patricia Lang
January 12, 2015 11:15 pmYay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sent from Windows Mail
tracybuasmith
January 12, 2015 11:39 pmOh this brings tears to my eyes Jennifer! I’m so happy you are deciding to create a “normal” as hard as it must be! Good for you at getting up early to exercise! What a great accomplishment! God bless you as you look for new life and opportunities that God has planned for you!
tracybuasmith
January 12, 2015 11:40 pmI meant to say a “new normal” 🙂
ifyoukeeponbelieving
January 14, 2015 8:26 amKeep it up, Jennifer. While we are strangers, my thoughts and prayers are with you often. I can imagine exercising has got to be one of the most difficult things to do while dealing with the confusion of loss and grief. It’s so wonderful that it is your choice to start out your new normal. It is something for you, and that is huge. 🙂
mary
January 14, 2015 7:21 pmJennifer , God amazes me. How in such sadness and despair He shows up. Not only for you and your little one, but for all of us who have followed you since April 1. He is giving you such beautiful words and encouragement. Thank you for sharing such private thoughts. One never knows what we will have to endure and I pray I can lean on the Lord like you are doing. Your trust is so humbling to read. Keep it up.
Jen
January 17, 2015 10:46 pmGreat job, keep it up!
Denise Mejean
January 21, 2015 9:24 pmJennifer it is such an inspiration to see your courage in taking that first step to run again even though you’re still working through your grief. Having witnessed the healing power of physical exertion firsthand I pray it helps you. We will continue to pray for you and your sweet daughter and family as you go through this journey.
God bless,
Denise Mejean
Judy
March 8, 2015 10:41 pmJennifer,
I searched out your blog again today because our steadfast Lord placed you on my heart today. I have read this post before but I was drawn to read it again. Your story touched my heart almost one year ago and I am many, many miles away from you. But you are my sister in Christ and I love all my sisters. I want to encourage you as you continue on continuing. One day you will see your story as Christ has written it. You are an amazing creation in Christ and loved by many, even those you don’t personally know you. So I have re-committed to pray for you every day as we approach the day that I know changed your life forever. I know that our God can make all things new. With love and passionate prayers.