3o months ago I began a journey that finally comes to a close tomorrow. On the eve of May 6th, 2013, I prepared myself to enter into a room full of people I had never met, to embark on a new path and career. I was excited and anxious to start working on my Masters to be a Physician Assistant and I had never felt more overjoyed to begin a new chapter in my life. Because while I was excited for May 6th, I was ecstatic for May 11th. The day I would become his wife, his life partner, his spouse in the holy sacrament of marriage. I knew that whatever challenges school may bring, whatever bumps I faced, I no longer would face them alone. Because in 5 short days he would vow to stick with me for better and for worse, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.
I remember when I applied for school and the many conversations Nate and I had about it. We both were apprehensive about me beginning at the same time we were getting married. It would be a lot of change and a lot of commitment all at once. It also brought up many questions about what our family would look like; would we wait to have children until I was done? Ultimately we decided that we would leave it up to God, because we had full trust that whatever His plan was for us, it would be good. And how incredibly good it was! We knew our faith would get us through any challenge or struggle and our love for each other would be enough. At the time, when we were in these discussions, I remember so clearly stating that the program’s 27 months would be over before we knew it. It would be such a short stent in a long and happy marriage and growing family.
It’s amazing now to think that that was 30 months ago. What once felt like it would be only a short while, has felt like 30 years. I have changed so much since then. I no longer am the same person that eagerly awaited the week of May 6th to begin to start my new life. My life since then has taken a completely new and unprepared direction and I feel so much more lost now than I did when I started. Because when I started, I had the greatest ally at my side. Now I struggle to do the best for Cecilia and I, and to find my path, the path that no longer follows where I once dreamed of going. It is an interesting and difficult concept, to have to completely redetermine what your future may look like. I often still struggle with this, still wanting to try to fit my life as it stands now, back into the mold that Nate and I had created when we said “I do.” But that mold no longer exists, those dreams of having a large family, of moving to our own home together, of creating traditions and vacations and family memories, those dreams are but a whisper now, gone in the wind of April 1st, 2014.
I am so relieved that my life will be my own for the first time in over 19 months. For the first time, I can find the time to grieve properly, to finally finish our wedding scrapbook that I all along had planned to finish when I was done with school, to spend long days playing with Cecilia, to do things on Nate’s bucket list that I hope will bring me some peace. I can finally find the energy and the time to move forward, to not be stuck in this program that I began with Nate. It has had such a hold on my ability to determine my new future because it still feels like something that should be ending with Nate by my side. Something that I know he should have been here for.
It is bittersweet that it is finally coming to an end. A part of me grieves immensely the fact that he will not be here to celebrate with me, to take me to the dinner he promised he would take me to when this time came, to kiss me and tell me he’s proud. That hurts more then words can say. At the same time, there is a relief that this time is finally over. I finally can let a part of myself determine where my future is in this new life, I finally can start fresh and create a new mold, new dreams for myself and Cecilia.
I begin a new journey tomorrow. One that I am uncertain of where it will take me. I no longer know what the future holds or what my place is in it. I just know that for now, I will love on Cecilia and take it one day at a time. I finally can breath again. And it feels so good. I finally can have some hold on my own life, no longer will I be required to start and end my day on someone else’s schedule. No longer will I have to start a new “job” every 4 weeks as I change clinical sites. Do you realize how stressful that is to do? To enter into a new location and meet new people with new expectations every month? On top of that there is undoubtedly the constant barrage of get-to-know-you’s that I have been faced with that are always so hard to retell.
Many tears have fallen this week as I move back and forth through the uncertainties, the excitement, the longing for him. For the past 19 months, school has been my biggest distraction outside of Cecilia. It scares me that this will be ending soon as I face the sorrows that I have put walls around. And yet, I know it will bring healing to finally be able to deal with it all. To finally get past the denial, the avoidance, the withdrawal and face this life with all of my strength and everything I have. To own this life that God has blessed me with and to find what His will for me is. To finally begin again.