As 2014 ended and the New Year began, I’ve found myself unsure of how to feel. Many uncertainties plague my mind while the thoughts of what was and what would have been wrestle with what really is. 2014 looked far different when I looked ahead than it does now as I look past. This year gave me such a whirlwind of emotions, a true roller-coaster if you will. It was my worst year and my best year. It gave me some of the hardest, most difficult days that I have ever had and hope to ever have. And yet, it has brought me some of the best days and taught me so many lessons that will stay with me forever.

The first 3 months of 2014 were some of the best days I had with Nate as we continued to prepare ourselves for parenthood and the arrival of our little angel. So many nights we curled up together with his hands on my belly feeling her kick, him talking to her and telling her stories. The harsh winter kept us in most weekends but I loved every second of getting to fall in love with him over and over again as we learned more about each other in those months of hibernation. Every single day was a beautiful adventure that I will carry with me until I meet him again.

And then came Cecilia. She has brought her own memories of joy and laughter and love. I have embraced and cherished every single second with her and am so grateful that I was given someone so soon after Nate died to fall in love with over and over again each and every day. She fills my heart more than anyone or anything ever could. I am so blessed to have her and am so thankful for the many adventures we have already shared this past year together.

And then there were the not so joyful times; times where so many stood up along side me and shared in my cross as I suffered through the seemingly endless despair. These times where I struggled to breath. Where the only comprehensible words that ran through my mind were “No. No. No. No. No.” and “Why? Why? Why?” These toddler-like words that often still ring throughout my head on days where I once again can’t quite comprehend what has happened to my little, beautiful family.

I once wrote a paper that I titled: A Beautiful Sadness. It’s premise was this – that sadness itself is a beautiful thing, because in order to experience grief and sorrow, one must also know joy and love. Without one, the other ceases to exist.

So we must remember that there is still something beautiful about these moments that bring us to our knees. We have a choice to be victims of our circumstances or we can conquer the hand we’ve been dealt. Beauty can rise from the ashes, and hope from pain, if you choose to see it.  A cruel stranger came into our lives and stole my happiness. But for this coming year, this very new year, I am making a firm resolution to get my happiness back, to take our lives back and live fully like Nate did. I am ready to find our adventures again.

Throughout this year I have learned so much about myself and been taught so many lessons. I have relied on God more than I ever thought I would. For He is always there. I have been applauded for my ability to continue to turn to Him through it all – where in reality I have never had a second glance back. God is Good. He walks with us through the pain and the suffering. And with our pain, we are blessed to share in Christ’s suffering, to unite ourselves and become more like Him. I have said it before and I will say it again, without faith, I don’t know how you survive this.

I agreed with Caty when she recently wrote, “I feel nothing but weakness in myself, yet I feel a mysterious strength from Him for each day. He shows up. He will always show up. He gives us more than we can handle, but the good news is that is because we don’t have to handle it on our own.”

And I trust the Lord when he says in Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” He knows us all so well and He will provide us with what we need so that one day we may have a future with Him. Our earthly time may not be the perfect “dreamy” life, but heaven surely will be much more splendid than our imaginations can even conceive.

When my world was turned on its head, God gave me the resources to continue. He gave me loving friends and family to continue to support me and help me out. He showed me that even though humans are capable of evil, they are also capable of far more impressive acts of good will shown in acts of kindness and love by those I have met, and those I may never meet. He has given me new friends, sisters in Christ, whom I now can’t imagine not having in my life but hate that we have this tragedy in common. One of whom, I was able to travel to Florida to meet in November with her darling son!

So, as you go into 2015, there are three things of which I want to remind you. (The quoted sections are by the ever lovely Caty Ripperger)

First: “Take advantage of the time you have with those that you love. I know that until it happens to you, it feels like your loved ones are invincible (even if you know they aren’t), and is impossible to fully imagine what losing them would be like. Savor the little moments. Take mental pictures. Take actual pictures. Life cannot last forever, but love can.” There are so many times I regret not doing certain things with Nate. We were supposed to take our maternity pictures together the weekend before he died, but because it was rainy, we decided to do it the next weekend. There will always be a box of what if’s and regrets in your closet whenever that day comes that you have to say good-bye before you ever thought you would. Just make sure the regrets don’t fill the closet, that instead it is filled with beautiful memories and cherished moments because you actually took the time to show that you care and love them.

Second: “Carpe that Diem. It may sound cliché, but you’ll only regret the opportunities for adventures that you didn’t take. So be an adventurer this year. As often as you can be. You can find it in the tiniest things, not just on vacations or in big decisions. Grab hold of life’s little adventures. Even the ones you don’t have to leave home for. You only get one life here, so live as much of it as you can.” Nate not only understood this in his actions each and every day – he understood this on a completely different level than most. He gave me so many little adventures in our short time together, memories I will always cherish; but he also seized the day by knowing and loving God as often as he could. I cannot tell you how many nights, while I was studying, I would walk by the bedroom and see him on his knees praying. That image of him kneeling there will forever be etched in my mind, and something I will continue to practice myself.

Third: “Third is simply to look upward more often. Look at the sky. Look at the stars and the moon. Look at the vastness and the sheer wonder and artistry of the horizon at sunset. And I mean really LOOK. Breathe it in. It will do your soul good.” And pray as often as you can. The Lord looks after His friends – so keep Him close, call Him a friend, love Him and know that He gave us the ultimate sacrifice so that when it is our time to leave this earth, we may bask in the Glory of Heaven.

I pray that your 2015 is filled with beauty, joy, love, faith, and growth. For the first time I can honestly say I am looking forward to this year, I know God has plans for me yet that even I can’t see.

In summary I want to share with you these words that have rang true to me these past few months::

Live today as if it is your First day alive.

Believe in God as if it is your Last day alive.

Love others as if it is your Only day alive.

Jennifer Trapuzzano (with contribution from Caty Ripperger)