I want to thank you all again so very much for continuing to leave such heartwarming comments and for remaining with me on my journey. I had meant to post another blog this past week, but found time just kept slipping away. I don’t believe there are any questions to answer so instead I thought for today I would recap on some of the important events of this past week as well as some personal discoveries.

Last Wednesday I was honored to give a talk on Redemptive Suffering at St. Elizabeth Ann Seton. It was the first time I have spoken publicly since Nate’s death and I truly believe the Holy Spirit guided each and every word. Most of the talk already seems like such a blur, that surely the Holy Spirit had taken over my mouth and my mind to help me get through. I had promised to post my talk on my blog and still am working on it- or at least the cliffnotes version. (However, I will also admit that I am slightly hesitant to post the entire thing, just in case I am blessed to be asked to give it again. I am discerning how best to go about this. In the mean time, please bear with me.) Writing, preparing, and delivering this talk gave so much more healing to me than I ever could have imagined. I was able to channel my pain into a productive message, a message I believe we all could benefit – that suffering is not pointless but in fact can unite us more closely with Christ on the cross.

I realized today that every time I see a white Ford Taurus, it has become an obsessive habit to look at the driver. Nate drove a white Ford Taurus. I hate seeing them out and about and not finding him in one of them. I wish so desperately that white car of his could pull up and surprise me on a cool weekday night like it did 3 years ago.

This past weekend was a special weekend. Sunday was the Tridentine feast of Christ the King. It was Nate’s favorite day of the year. He always made it a point to go to Brookville, IN to the church Sts Philomena and Cecilia for this feast day. He absolutely loved it. I was so glad that I was able to bring Cecilia there. The moment I walked in, I felt at home. I could almost feel his presence – something I constantly search for desperately each and every day. The sun was shining bright through the window coming in towards us and the warmth reminded me so much of him. I could almost see him smiling at us. I felt so much at peace. It was during this mass that I finally began to let go. I felt that this dark hold that had been gripping my heart so menacingly was finally releasing. I could look at Cecilia and feel pure joy untainted by the pain that constantly had plagued me. After church we were able to go to my friend’s parents’ home and spend the rest of the day outside enjoying the gorgeous weather. It was such a beautiful and perfect day and to top it off I am so thankful that our joy was captured by my friend Rachel.

Instead of listing off random facts about me today, I want to leave you with something more meaningful, a memoir if you will. During the course of our relationship, Nate and I found a number of ways to correspond. Because of the nature of our courtship (most of it being long distance), we often communicated through letter writing, emails, phone conversations, skype, texts, etc… I have to say my favorite way by far was letter writing. Although it was necessary, or at least desirable, to talk together on the phone or see his face on skype, I will never be able to justify the excitement it brought me to find another letter from him in the mail. Nor the joy I have today that his words still live on paper, words that I can read over and over and over again to feel how much he loved me. It is such a blessing that I do not have to rely solely on my memories to remember him. Even after we were married, he continued to write to me. I would come home from school to a letter on the bed, or the kitchen table, or by my computer. And not only did the letter writing continue, but so did the emails. If anything, they increased once we were married, while he was at work, and I at school. Shortly after we had been wed, I heard of a story of a woman who lost her husband after 8 days of marriage. I remember thinking how tragic this was and how I couldn’t imagine losing Nate suddenly like that, just days after our lives were started. At dinner that night I brought it up and told him that such a devastating loss to this young women could happen to anyone – that only God knows our final hour. I hated even discussing the thought that I could be without him one day but we both agreed that each day had to be lived together as if it could be our last. Looking back on it now, we had many conversations to this nature, this was simply the first. Somewhere, somehow I firmly believe the Holy Spirit was guiding us to discuss the possibility, because one day soon I would need to go on without him. The next morning, I received this email from him:

5/22/2013 8:11AM

Jen,

Our conversation yesterday about enjoying life and loving the ones in it
is weighing heavily on my conscience this morning. I just wanted to tell
you that I love you and you mean the world and more to me. I don't know
what kind of life I would have without you.

I'm looking at the picture from our wedding that I have as my desktop
wallpaper. I can't believe that we're married, and I'm so blessed that
God put you in my life. Let's make the most of what we have together. I
love you and can't wait to see you tonight. I hope you have a wonderful
day.

Love,

Nate

I am in love with a dead man. I continue to love him so dearly each day and every day. I still can’t imagine my future without him, although finally I feel that I am beginning to learn how to live in the present at least.

Jennifer Trapuzzano