My life is a circle of contradictions.
How can one heart feel so much joy and yet so much sadness at the same time? I love Cecilia more than I ever could have imagined. She brings more laughter and smiles than I thought would be possible after April 1st. And yet, those smiles and laughter are enveloped with silent tears, silent reminders that my darling, her daddy, cannot partake in these tender moments with us.
As I rocked Cecilia to sleep tonight, my heart was bursting at the simple truth – that I am a mother. After she fell asleep, I snuggled her so closely next to my heart, listening to her small, quiet breathes and thought, “there is no place I would rather be”. Then almost instantly my heart betrayed my joy of motherhood and clenched at the thought that, “I wish her father were here too”.
There were two things I always wanted in life – to be a wife and to be a mother. And I never would have thought I would lose one before gaining the next. Or that the joy of motherhood would be shadowed by the pain of widowhood. (Childbirth has nothing on this pain.)
I am certain that with time the joy will be more steady and not distanced as greatly by my present grief. Yes, I am sure I will always grieve the loss of Nate, but I do hold on to hope. I know that through Christ all things are possible and He will hold me close and carry me through.
But the realization has hit so often that, no matter the circumstance, with every moment of joy, with every tender moment of motherhood, there will always be a shadow lingering behind me, forevermore. A presence that has been taken from this world too soon. A longing that will always be there. A desire for him to partake with us in the moments of joy, or to comfort us in the times of despair.
I have heard more often than I can count that “he is still with you”. And while I truly understand that the intentions are honest, I admit there is a certain pain that comes with these words. I too believe that he is near us spiritually, but that doesn’t take the longing away for him to hold my hand, to let me cry on his shoulder, or to rock Cecilia when I am too tired to stand. I know there is comfort somewhere in this knowledge, this knowledge that he is still close, and yet my heart is not ready to let it in, not yet at least. For now, I want to grieve the loss of his presence physically. I want to miss him. I want to try to remember every detail, every story, every moment of my life with him. And then, maybe someday, I will take comfort in the fact that “he is watching over us”. Once I have come closer to accepting the loss of his physical being.
In the meantime, I will continue to hold my baby close. I will comfort her as I wish Nate were here to comfort me. I will take in the joy with the pain. I will love her with my entire heart. And I will continue to feel incredibly blessed and thankful that Nate left me with the most amazing gift to get through this pain, the gift of motherhood.
Jennifer Trapuzzano
Sara
October 3, 2014 9:23 pmYou don’t know me but we have many mutual friends and while I don’t have any amazing words and can offer no real comfort I want you to know that I am praying for you and think of your tragic story often… I keep typing out paragraphs of encouragement and deleting them because I know they are nothing… so please just know that strangers care, cry, and pray with you.
Kim C.
October 3, 2014 9:57 pmSara’s comment said it much better than I could even muster. You also do not know me, but you, Nate, and Cecilia never stray far from my thoughts and prayers. In fact, people who I have told your story to ask about you often. I sincerely hope to meet you some day. You are a shining example of a faithful Catholic woman and such an inspiration to me.
Christina
October 3, 2014 10:22 pmThank you for sharing your story. Your strength is inspiring. I lost my dad at a very young age and had 3 younger siblings and the pain can be so strong and yet time keeps moving forward. Praying for your faith to give you the strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Cecilia is beautiful!
Patty
October 4, 2014 8:19 amPrayers, thoughts, tears, and encouragement…from me to you. God bless you and Cecilia.
Mari
October 7, 2014 4:24 pmGod has so many blessings in disguise for us, and as we are stripped to bare our soul, He asks us to trust in Him…even when the pain is all consuming! My grandma married at the age of thirteen, she had been an orphan, raised by her father and evil step-mother, and her marriage to her first husband was short like yours, she too was left with a baby girl to love and hold all on her own. My grandma remarried a man of the same fate and they raised a large family together, but he, my grandpa, died when I was a baby, my grandma then became my roommate from the time I was 3yrs. old and on to my teens. She told me so many stories, but the most powerful one was the one relating her love for her first husband. Her love for him never diminished, but rather it intensified with time! She never loved my grandpa like she loved her first husband and I can understand why; when a marriage is lost at such an early stage the couple has shared some of the best memories a couple may share effortlessly, and perhaps one never got to brake the heart of the other; God allows that “honey-moon” stage for couples to bond, but later come the trials and God asks us to love the sinner, our spouse… and that is heroic love, to love the unlovable sinner in all of us! You are blessed to have experienced no heart brake with Nate and you have a blessing that forever will stay with you in mysterious ways… God has given you a taste of perfect marriage union and marriage, well-lived, is only the foreshadowing of the union of the soul to God, our eternal spouse! Hold on to this mysterious gift and pray to God for all the strength it takes to behold it. God is so close to you and you know that! God bless you for sharing your life with us and for motivating in us a holier spousal love! Love and prayers, Mari